Something's wrong, and I can't quite figure it out. I feel like I'm hanging out on the edge of spontaneous combustion. I'm angry. I don't get angry. It's like oil on a freshwater lake - I'll get frustrated, maybe the skin of oil on top will bubble and ignite once in awhile, but it never lasts very long or goes very deep. But not now - I feel like a chunk of water-logged rocket fuel. Dry me out and I could start a war. I could end a war. A good hour of hand-to-hand combat might help. I'd lose of course, but it would be good for me. If I won, I wouldn't know what to do. It would go against the laws of history and nature, and it would make it worse. If I lost, it would put me back in my place and I would remember that no, I don't have enough backing logically, politically, or materially, to start a war. I'd close my eyes, bruised, and ask myself why it has to take pain to teach me what I really am and what I'm here for. And humility and humiliation would push me back into the groove of peace.
I just got back from a lovely trip to Italy with true friends, I'm chillin at home in my beloved Northwest, with my family, the most loving and validating people in my life. I have music again, and played with Libby and the kitty and the beardies this morning, and all should be better than it's been in months. So much for clarity. So that in itself is frustrating.
Maybe it's just persistent old habits. I can't express in words how much I hate old shadows, or how hard it is to get rid of them when you're in their old stomping grounds. But enough of that. No excuses. Dadgummit, it all just comes back to me, and I have to remind myself that at times like this it's silly to look for external solutions to internal problems. Isn't it?
Why the heck am I writing this? I probably shouldn't post it. Hang it all, maybe I will.
2 comments:
I know what you mean about the shadows. Oh, do I ever know what you mean. And I have had angry periods in my life too. It seems so foreign yet so impossible to ignore. It will pass. It's not in your nature. You will be Beth soon enough. Not in the dead or fictional sense.
I listened to a podcast a few days ago about a river that once caught fire and burned because it was so full of pollution. The flames lasted maybe a half an hour. The point of the story was, that because that happened, (and received media attention), it became a symbol forwarding movements to protect the environment. It was even fundamental in instigating the creation of the EPA. Now, several decades later, that stretch of river is pristine, home to lots of animal life, and is a place of life and beauty.
If you feel like there is oil atop you, well, perhaps it has its own mission. Perhaps its present presence will instigate positive change that will prove a blessing. And, soon enough, it's purpose will pass and things came be brought back as it ought.
You are beautiful and I love you. I'm sorry that things are hard.
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