Independence from the Tyranny of Shoes
When, in the course of events, it becomes necessary for one’s feet to dissolve the bands by which they are bound, one must detail explicitly and in all humility the purpose thereof, thereby that they might attain an understanding from all other creatures doomed slaves to the imprisonments of footwear.
We hold these principles to be true and living truths; that all feet are naturally entitled to freedom from oppression, that to reach one’s full potential one’s feet must be endowed with the powers of flight and physical freedom from the jealous powers of foot imprisonments. The crimes of this principle of fashion are as follows:
These shoes have bound the feet of all people, be it man, woman, or child, relentlessly for millennia.
When in capricious spite, they inflict such punishments on the feet as blisters, bunions, and so forth.
They have blunted the foot’s sense of touch and have therefore caused some to stumble or tread
upon some unsuspecting creature.
They have monopolized the fashion industry and instigated such personal expression-limiting rules as “all socks must match” and “shoelaces must always be tied the same way every time”.
They dull the pleasurable sensations such as walking through dewy grass or splashing through a stream.
They have insinuated their petty creeds into the public laws, such as “no shirt, no shoes, no service.”
They have made it difficult to dance when one feels the urge to boogie.
They make one’s feet clumsy and impede grace.
They have made it easier for one to inflict damage on his brother (i.e. kicking and so forth).
They impede the foot from growing to its full potential.
They have at this time inserted themselves into the public economy and dominate all public places from the ankles downward.
In every stage of these oppressions our feet have remained docile and have tried to reconcile our comfort with our “need” for the “protection” of our feet from evils such as thorns, rocks, and hot pavement. Many in protest have even removed the offending articles from their feet in hopes of freeing their pleading toes from the absolute tyranny of footwear, but inevitably, when the person in question must go out into the world, the shoes are forced back on the feet.
We, Therefore, the representatives of the united feet of Earth, declare that the world’s feet ought to be and are free and independent feet, that they are absolved from all allegiance to the tyrannical shoe. We declare that as free and independent feet, they will have the power to run, jump, dance, and frolic unencumbered by the sinister forces of footwear. And, for the support of this declaration, we pledge to each other and to our feet that we will resist the powers of shoes and forever be, free feet.
When, in the course of events, it becomes necessary for one’s feet to dissolve the bands by which they are bound, one must detail explicitly and in all humility the purpose thereof, thereby that they might attain an understanding from all other creatures doomed slaves to the imprisonments of footwear.
We hold these principles to be true and living truths; that all feet are naturally entitled to freedom from oppression, that to reach one’s full potential one’s feet must be endowed with the powers of flight and physical freedom from the jealous powers of foot imprisonments. The crimes of this principle of fashion are as follows:
These shoes have bound the feet of all people, be it man, woman, or child, relentlessly for millennia.
When in capricious spite, they inflict such punishments on the feet as blisters, bunions, and so forth.
They have blunted the foot’s sense of touch and have therefore caused some to stumble or tread
upon some unsuspecting creature.
They have monopolized the fashion industry and instigated such personal expression-limiting rules as “all socks must match” and “shoelaces must always be tied the same way every time”.
They dull the pleasurable sensations such as walking through dewy grass or splashing through a stream.
They have insinuated their petty creeds into the public laws, such as “no shirt, no shoes, no service.”
They have made it difficult to dance when one feels the urge to boogie.
They make one’s feet clumsy and impede grace.
They have made it easier for one to inflict damage on his brother (i.e. kicking and so forth).
They impede the foot from growing to its full potential.
They have at this time inserted themselves into the public economy and dominate all public places from the ankles downward.
In every stage of these oppressions our feet have remained docile and have tried to reconcile our comfort with our “need” for the “protection” of our feet from evils such as thorns, rocks, and hot pavement. Many in protest have even removed the offending articles from their feet in hopes of freeing their pleading toes from the absolute tyranny of footwear, but inevitably, when the person in question must go out into the world, the shoes are forced back on the feet.
We, Therefore, the representatives of the united feet of Earth, declare that the world’s feet ought to be and are free and independent feet, that they are absolved from all allegiance to the tyrannical shoe. We declare that as free and independent feet, they will have the power to run, jump, dance, and frolic unencumbered by the sinister forces of footwear. And, for the support of this declaration, we pledge to each other and to our feet that we will resist the powers of shoes and forever be, free feet.
